Have you ever fallen victim to gaslighting? Maybe it was a cheating ex-boyfriend or a manipulative friend. Sadly, by the time we hit our adult years, I think most of us can answer yes to this question. The gaslighting that I am discussing today is not within a personal relationship, but it has to do with IVF.
IVF is hard, I think everyone can agree on that. Even those who have never experienced IVF have typically heard of the injections which tends to make people a bit queasy. The process is bad, but what often gets lost in this process is the individual who is undergoing the it.
When going through my first round of IVF, I felt terrible. I had prepped as best as I could, I ate well, exercised, and rested. Looking back, none of that mattered. The minute the hormones took hold of my body, I was down for the count. I couldn’t sleep, I would wake up with sharp pains in my back and legs, I would have to throw up several times a day, and I was sad. Really sad. And even though I felt like I was hanging on by a thread, life carried on. I was still expected to work, go out, be nice, and look good. I was struggling.
I needed help, so I contacted a therapy company. The company set me up with a therapist who had been through several rounds of IVF and knew exactly what I was going through. I explained to her that I was having trouble keeping up. I felt like I was falling behind at work and letting my boss and employees down. It was hard for me to get to the office and work anywhere other than my bed. It was then that she asked me if I had thought about taking some time off work. Truthfully, I hadn’t. Years of being silent about female health issues made me feel like this situation was no exception. I told her I would think about it. I got off the phone that day a bawled. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t keep up with everything, and I felt like I really needed a break. The next day I called my doctor.
Being a bit uncomfortable with the idea of taking time off work, I thought that my first step would be to put out some feelers. I would call the doctor’s office and just ask about a leave. Is this something that has been done by other women? Is this something that the doctor suggests? I have to admit that I went into this conversation pretty naïve. I somewhat expected the nurse to respond in a soothing tone saying something like, “of course sweetheart, I’m so sorry you’re feeling unwell.”, this was not the answer that I got. Instead, what I received was, “not usually, most women can handle working throughout IVF”. Woah. Ok. I felt like such a loser. How could I have even thought of taking time off work. Toughen up and shut up.
After the IVF failed and the fog of the hormones lifted, I realized that I was being gaslit when it came to my health, and this was not the first time. For years I had been dismissed by doctors who assumed I was complaining or had a low pain tolerance. It wasn’t until I was 33 that it was suggested that I may have endometriosis, and this was not due to my complaints of debilitating periods, this was due to fertility issues. Medicine is not set up for women, our health issues are often diminished to our reproductive organs and nothing more.
Going into another round of IVF, I hope that I can learn from this, and in the thick of the hormones and discomfort, I can remember that what I think and how I feel matter. I hope that I can kick the toughen up and shut up mentality and focus on what is best for me. The results of IVF are uncertain, there’s a chance that you will come out of the process pregnant and there is a chance that you will not, but one thing is certain, you will come out of the process, and you need to make sure that you are ok. So, don’t allow yourself to be gaslit, advocate for yourself, let yourself feel everything, and don’t get suckered into thinking that you are not being strong enough, because you are.
